Hilarious online dating profiles

Hilarious online dating profiles

Your dating profile is not working because you are literally posing with a sword in your photo. Think you got what it takes to write for Cracked. Please type the following code. Hey, hilarious online dating profiles can’t I vote on comments?

Cracked only offers comment voting to subscribing members. Subscribers also have access to loads of hidden content. If we’ve ever made you laugh or think, we now have a way where you can thank and support us! So you’ve set up your online dating profile, answered 66,000 of those ancillary compatibility questions, and received exactly zero messages from others — so what’s the deal? Why is no one attracted to you? Well, it’s because you’re not attractive. Here, let’s cut it down into pieces that are easier to swallow.

What are you looking for? You want to have more self-esteem? You’d better get it from achieving something in life, because that’s not the job of your future partner. You see the mile markers in life as education, career, relationship, and family, but just because you can sleepwalk your way through the first two doesn’t mean you’re automatically ready for the rest. Single Life for yourself and would now like to shoehorn another person into it in the manner of adding a seventh wheel to one of those stupid six-wheeled cars.

Approximately 77 percent of your dating profile is a massive itemized list of your favorite bands and TV shows simply because those are the things that have paired nicely with your aloneness. You’re looking for a cheerleader for your big pile of Single Person Stuff, but you have that pile BECAUSE you’re single. Your job is not to demand that someone else submit to jackbooted annexation by your single person’s empire. You do not want to be the Hitler of relationships. I cannot stress that enough. Because you don’t see other people as fully sentient.

You’ve spent 960 hours thinking about why you’d potentially stop seeing someone but zero hours thinking about why someone might dump you. That’s because you don’t see other people as people — you see them as props, here to supplement the existence of the One True Human. Like everyone else, you’ve probably grown up watching a lot of movies, and the thing about movies is that the stories that offer the most escapism by nature give you the least accurate picture of the real world. Lacking are the movies about how the universe is a big unfair mess of random shit and awkward gray areas in which you are entitled only to die screaming. Your life is not a character arc in which the Love Interest is obligated to appear at some point — it is a horribly free-form escalator ride to the grave, and it’s up to you to make the most of it by shaping yourself into the kind of person that the kind of person you’re attracted to would plausibly find attractive. Something you’re clearly not doing already, because you have the dating profile of the hero, the protagonist, the One True Human, who is intrinsically attractive without having to grow as a person. Do you think that women are all conniving bitches who have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?

Do you think everyone who differs from you in even minor ways is by nature subhuman? Are you looking for a glorified sex tube as opposed to a romantic partner because you essentially hate human beings? Let’s not beat around the bush: If you have ever cried “friend zone! I’m afraid you’re not ready to participate in society. Oh, we’d love to have you, but with the lineup we’ve got, we can’t see you making it off the bench.

As if life wasn’t hard enough already, now you have ALL THESE GODDAMN FRIENDS. So how could this potentially be a problem? Which would make perfect sense if the analogy wasn’t as wrong as it’s possible to be. So, I guess, like cats? Cats might be the easiest way to crystallize that analogy. Friendship is an endgame state, with a little flag and triumphant music and anywhere from one to six fireworks, depending on how long it took to complete the stage.